Friday, April 12, 2013

Kids - The Question



  I am hemming and hawing over whether to write this post.  I feel like it will either really hit home with some readers or it will make some readers very annoyed.  Probably a little of column A and a little of column B.  Please don't be offended if you are all about kids.

 The question, oh the question I hear on a weekly basis from friends, co workers, acquaintances and family.  When are you going to have kids, is not the question.  Most who know me know I don't ever want to have kids.  WHY.  Why you ask?  Why? They all ask.  Why don't you want to have kids?  You will change your mind when it is the time is right.  But it's so rewarding.  It will be the greatest thing you ever do with your life.  Don't you want a little version of yourself running around? Who will look after you when you are old?  You are so selfish.  You will change your mind when you are older...

 Sigh.  Let me answer the question once and for all.  Because I don't want them.  There, happy?  No, of course they aren't.  Not wanting kids is never a good enough answer.  An explanation as to why is not a good answer.  There is always a reason to have kids, even if the parents are completely ill equipped to be parents.  The worst person in the world could be pregnant and the people say "oh how wonderful!". So what you have no money, no job, no knowledge of child care.  You laid back and had a seed planted.  Congratulations.   That was such a hard job.  Now everyone can celebrate another person making the right choice in the world - having kids.


 Of course I am thrilled for those who want kids, and do raise a family.  It's not like I don't like kids, though I won't pretend I don't shake my head and cringe when I see awful people reproducing.  I am not an anti child beast.  They just aren't for me.  What upsets me more is the general public oohing and ahhing over people with kids who are just horrible parents, horrible people.  Really, we are celebrating this?  I don't get it.  I don't say anything though, I keep these thoughts to myself.  Why can't others grant me the same decency.  Yes I am a young married woman, does that mean I have to have kids for my life to be complete and acceptable in your eyes?

 You would be such a good parent!  Your kids would be so gorgeous.  You could have a little horseback rider just like you.  Your animals are so well taken care of, you would be the best mom.  UGH.  Enough already people.  I do NOT want kids.  Why can you not just accept that?  Why do I have to be harassed and ostracized because I don't want kids.  I love horses and think they are amazing but you don't see me going around trying to convince everyone to get a horse.
  

 Are people jealous of my free life?  Do they want me to suffer the long suffering years of being a slave to a child like they are?  Mad because I get to spend all my money on my horses? I'm saying this tongue in cheek but I can't help but wonder just WHY it is so important to everyone else that I become a parent.

 Do you ask people why they don't want kids?  Try to convince them otherwise?  What is your reasoning?  Enlighten me!

 Sincerely, the childless old maid, who does what she wants when she wants :)



{ This post is day 11, letter K of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge.  
Posts are theme based on the corresponding alphabet letter, starting with A on April 1st.  
Sundays are skipped. 
 The last blog post should finish the challenge on the 30th of April 2013. 
 If you would like to learn more about the A to Z Challenge, please visit this site.  }


38 comments:

  1. Don't worry there are a lot of us who feel the way you do. Wanting to be ChildFree! Dual Income No Kids. I've hated children since I was a child, and I admit. I do not like kids, I am a decent human being so I can be nice. But there is nor will there ever be a twinge of regret. So I'm here with you. Celebrate your life because its yours!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great to hear there are others out there :)

      Delete
  2. I like kids, just not sure I want one.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel your pain....I get it for having never married as well. And I sometimes do have a little regret-I see what I gave up. I also see what I have. And I don't look back. My life is pretty good.

    I think people are so preprogrammed to expect that everyone wants the "conventional" life that they simply do not understand people who choose a different path.

    So hang in there and enjoy your choice!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed...a lot of people seem uncomfortable when you are unconventional.

      Delete
  4. Amen! People do that to me all the time. I have been saying I don't want kids since before I can remember. I've never wanted kids. And you know what? Talking someone who doesn't want kids into having kids, for any reason, is STUPID. If they don't want kids, they won't be a good parent (not that wanting kids always results in stellar parenting, but hey).

    What is really baffling to me is why anyone actually WANTS kids. I really don't understand it at all. So many people, I'd say the majority of the population, either really wants kids or wants/likes them enough that they simply accept somewhere in their minds that having kids is simply something that will happen in their life. And I really truly don't understand why. I don't get it. It doesn't appeal to me at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agree %100. Doe not appeal to me either.

      Delete
  5. Glad I am not the only one who would rather have freedom than kids! I hear it from my brother especially all the time about how I will change my mind about wanting kids. Well, I am 24 and I still haven't changed my mind. I much rather have the time and money to spend on other things than kids! Thankfully my BF is of the sasme mind set.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think that you have every right to not want kids and just because you don't want kids shouldn't mean that people harrass you over it. I'm 17 so have plenty time to decide I want kids but to be honest would rather be able to focus on having a successful career be able to go out when I want but also to eventually have my own horse so any spare money I have would go on that, maybe in the future ill change my mind. Who knows. It seems like there's a lot of people that have the same mindset as you

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think if you don't want kids you should not have kids. Eventually, the questions will stop, maybe. I think that one of the issues surrounding this topic is that people who WANT a kid, I mean really WANT a kid, have as much difficulty understanding why you don't, as people who don't want a kid have understanding people who do.

    The most important thing to recognize is that someone who doesn't want a kid, should definitely not have one. I think if that was applied universally, we would have a heck of a lot less abuse, whether it is abuse in the sense of physical/sexual/emotional trauma or just simple neglect. My personal philosophy is Every Child a Wanted Child.

    Enjoy your life! Enjoy that you don't feel the need to reproduce to be happy.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, and there is a great way to get people to stop asking why you don't want kids- if they find out you don't have kids, and start being pushy about when you are going to have them, etc, a small comment that implies you want kids but are physically unable will normally not only shut down the questions, but make the asker feel embarrassed (as they should be!). There are plenty of people out there for whom that is really the case, and it is extremely painful for them when people do this same series of questions about things that are none of their business.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know this does work....it's just really sad that I have to resort to saying this to get people to shut up. Why can't I just not want them?

      Delete
  9. I'm like you. Never had kids of my own. I didn't start out not wanting them, but then I had teenage step kids and I was cured. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I might be the only male to comment. The number one problem in the world today is too many people and too many of us are less than ideal. As a typical male I feared both the restrictions and the responsibility of parenthood. My wife was afraid to tell me she was pregnant, but I guessed. My freedom was curtailed for sure and I ended up doing things I could not have imagined--I don't swim, but I ended up being a swimming official, including even for a minor international event. My proudest achievement has been to teach both my children to read and they have done good things with the head start. I am now an empty nester and admit that I do enjoy having a little extra freedom. I fear for the future and for my kids future, but I feel I have made the world a little bit better for having my two kids. 60 or so years ago the decision to have or not have kids didn't really exist and the world has changed in so many ways, not all an improvement. Thank goodness not everyone wants to have children. You have to feel comfortable with your decisions, but never is a meaningless word. Your blogs are well worth reading and you seem to be handling the challenge very well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly...children are right for some, but not for me.

      Delete
  11. Another younger female here in a long term relationship with no intentions of having children. I don't dislike them, but I don't have any overwhelming urge to have them either, so I figure that's a good enough reason to say no. I'm not sure why it's considered politically correct for people to walk up to my husband and I at parties and ask why we don't have kids yet or imply that we're too selfish, too carefree or whatever by not having them. Way too personal and invasive of a question for my taste - I would never walk up to anyone and pressure them NOT to have children...
    I'm turning 35 this year and I'm noticing people are getting less interested in asking as time goes on, so there is hope ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know....people seem to think they are better than you if they have kids, at least that is my experience.

      Delete
  12. I completely agree with you. I have always said Im not having kids and its very annoying when people say - oh youll change your mind one day.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Mother of three terrible, money sucking, freedom oppressing beasts here, chiming in. I think this post is somewhat rhetorical and you are not really seeking an answer but more just venting your frustrations with the opinionated public. I can tell you that no matter what your life choices are or will be there are always those who feel the need to voice their unsolicited opinion. Even to the point of nagging or being badgering. If you choose no kids: you are selfish, 1 kid; it's not right to not give them a sibling, 2 kids of same gender; you are going to try for a ______(opposite gender), 2 kids of opposite gender; you're done right?, 3 kids aren't you done? Have kids when young, kids when you're older, get married young, get married older, not get married at all. Bottom line people just don't know how to shut their mouth. I am sure with some there is an element of jealousy of your freedom. there are as many reasons as there are the people that voice them. personal insecurities are probably the biggest. I feel no need to ask that type of question let alone badger someone about their decisions but I am also confident in my life choices, happy with my life and secure in my own self that I feel no need to validate my choices by forcing my own ideas on another. But many many people cannot say those things about their life and that is why I think they open their mouths. I found though when I stopped caring about what others said and thought about my life the comments came less and less. I don't know that I answered your questions or that you wanted them answered but thought you should know that no matter what you choose some idiot will still open their mouth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with this, people do judge no matter what. I really feel that they look down at you like you are some sort of a monster when you say you don't want kids though. It gets old.

      Delete
  14. I used to regularly state no way no how did I want kids - and I truly don't know if I want to have children or not - I think poorly raised children are the worst... Why have a kid if you aren't willing or able to care for them and teach them how to be civilized individuals? I typically don't ask people wether they want them or not a)because I could care less and b) because it isn't my business. I too get very frustrated when people that can't take care of themselves have kids but it isn't something I speak to them about. I think that a lot of people have kids just to have kids. Right after they get married just because they want to be married. I want to get married if/when I meet the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and IF we chose to have kids that should be our choice. I guess I haven't entered the stage in my life where people pester the bejesus out of me about if I want kids... but I can't even keep a boyfriend long term so first things first ;)

    ReplyDelete
  15. There is nothing wrong with people not wanting to have kids. It's YOUR life and YOUR responsibilty if you have kids. If your kids get sick or something happens to them, it's YOUR problem not those judgemental nags telling you that you should've had em. How do people say it is selfish not to have kids??? You are doing no harm what-so-ever by not having kids. What I think is selfish is people going out, having one night stands unprotected then using abortions as a form of birth control - that's selfish. Or ladies who think if they get pregnant that the guy will stick around after they've been together for 5 months. I don't have kids but yes, there are sucky parents out there and I can't stand it. I don't hate kids but I don't like baby sitting and I don't like hanging out with kids. I like teaching lessons but not to kids. I do want kids when I'm older but I'm not ready for it right now.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I would guess that the people who ask you about having kids and, more especially, most of the people who go further than asking and try to convince you that you will change your mind, are people who know you somewhat personally. (It just does not seem to be a topic among complete strangers.) You are right that this is none of their business and certainly, if you do not want children you should not have children.

    You asked if I do that. No. You asked for enlightenment on why people would do that. Here is my attempt to enlighten on the reasoning for such behavior: I have never known such complete love for someone as I have for my child, nor have I felt such completely unconditional love as I have from my child. It is something so special that it is beyond words to describe. (It did not happen for me the second she was born, but as I served her, cared for her, and as she and I grew.) (And I have pets, as well. Their unconditional love is complete, but they only develop cognitively to a certain point. As my child has grown, we have an exchange of ideas, and she teaches me as much as I teach her.) Yes, there are many times when her needs come before mine, but that is a good life lesson too. It doesn't have to be all about me nor about me first.

    So, I imagine that if people who know you somewhat think that eventually you should change your mind, it is because they know how much a child or children have enriched their own lives, and they would want you to have the same joy (even though it comes with heartache too).

    You seem to love animals. They have probably added joy to your life. You probably think that they would add joy to other people's lives too. Some people may just not understand that. Some people may be adamant about not wanting an animal in their life.

    Those people are probably right--just as you are probably right about not wanting a child in your life. We know ourselves better than anyone else.

    Maybe some people are just busy bodies. But perhaps some people just want to share with you something that brings them joy. What I am trying to say is maybe it will be easier to deal with these comments and to come up with an appropriate response if you look at them as speaking out of misguided care (and maybe even love)for you.

    Kate @ BJJ, Law, and Living

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know...I've worked with animals all my life, and I wish *less* people would have them. I trained dogs professionally for 15 years, and there are people who just shouldn't own dogs. Same applies to horses. Social convention is responsible for a long of wrong decisions! I admire people who have the conviction to live by their decisions, not just follow the pack because it's what you're "supposed to do."

      Delete
    2. I love the notion that it is misguided care that people want me to have kids...but it's not. It's people my age and older, a lot of them don't even have kids themselves! They want kids but have not met the right person, so maybe they are annoyed that I have but don't want children. This is both guys and girls too.

      Delete
  17. I am a mom, eventually we want three kids (one right now) but I get that it isn't for everyone...

    It's funny cause when I tell people what it roughly cost to keep Henry for a month they just about die at his expenses... then they always give some sort of sly comment about how could I spend that money on a horse and wouldn't that be better spend on something else... blah blah blah. All that to say like Amy said, people ALWAYS have an opinion and they will never get what other do if it isn't their way. Id rather live in a small house and drive an old car in order to have my horse ;)

    And there are FAR TO MANY people out there who SHOULDN'T have kids but do... if only they had some sense!

    Girl it is your life, live it how you want!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes exactly...and I admire that you are a mom and have not given up your riding life to do so...not many people can do that!

      Delete
    2. Aw thanks! It's hard but if there is a will there is a way!

      But for real... ignore dumb people!!!

      Delete
  18. Omg, thank you! Since I have been married (and my husband's family is a reproductive factory), we are constantly nagged, badgered, bullied, and guilted into when are we having kids or why don't we have kids yet. They don't seem to grasp that we are fine the way we are for now.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I can't imagine someone talking me out of having kids 16 years ago, so it only stands to reason that I can't imagine talking somebody into it either. I love my two children, but make no mistake it is a terrifying ride and I worry every day that I am doing it wrong. As long as you love your life, nobody else's business! Stopping by from a-z

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a lovely comment :)

      Delete
  20. I am like you, never a desire to have children, but have worked with them all my life. If you don't have that desire, then don't do it. It's not like we need more people in the world and my feelings is that kids should be really wanted. They are a total lifestyle change and not for everyone. Finally I am at the age where it is no longer an issue. I know what your going through, but I have noticed that our ranks are growing. I love my pets and my husband, we don't feel like we've missed out on anything!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Amen sister!! I get the same comments from people, and I'm not even married! But I am 33 and "should" have kids by now, according to some. I don't want them! I am fine being the cool aunt who gets the give the kid back after a few hours. I think kids should be for people who really like them. But they aren't for me. It drives me nuts when people go on and on about their unconditional love for their child - as if us child free people are missing out? Nope. I watch my friends with children and see how miserable, day to day, there lives are IN MY EYES. I do not want to live like that. They find it rewarding, but I know I will not. Live your life how you want. And I prefer child FREE, not childless.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Wow, I guess it is nice to find we are not all alone in this! To be honest, I suppose I have had the 'you will change you mind one day' drilled into me so much that I now say in conversation 'I can't imagine myself ever having kids...but I suppose I will change my mind one day' (whilst secretly hoping that I won't ever change my mind)! I would like to share my life with someone though, I just worry that finding 'the one' who shares my opinion of children could be difficult...

    ReplyDelete
  23. Like many have said, doesn't matter what you do, people will feel the need to give you their unsolicited opinions. I have two girls, and couldn't imagine not having them in my life. But when they were younger, we were always asked when we going to try for a boy!! Four years ago, I got my 'boy'. A nice big TB! Now, the comments are about how expensive my 'hobby' is, and how my kids must be doing without because of 'my hobby'. Never mind the kids get to ride, they have everything they could want, they don't go without because of my horse!! Aaargh! You can't win! All you can do is smile and carry on!

    ReplyDelete

Please leave a comment if you have something to share!  I love hearing from readers <3

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...