Thursday, July 13, 2017
The Saga of 2016 - Part 1: The Seperation
I'm not going to fluff around, I will get right into what my life has been like over the last year and a half. I will try and split up the posts from keeping things a bit too intense here. Technically this started before 2016, but it seems that 2016 was the culmination of all things awful for me. Kind of like hitting absolute rock bottom before you can turn around and grow. So Part 1 really starts in 2015. Mid to late 2015. This is about my personal life so if that doesn't interest you then don't read any further. Part of my blogging is for therapeutic purposes, so please don't judge me for putting it all out there open and honestly. It's something that I need to do. There is some uncomfortable content, so please skip this post if you have triggers about abusive relationships. I hope to get some closure, and if it helps someone out there who needs to hear they aren't alone, even better.
I was married in 2010. It started out as a happy marriage, but in all honesty it wasn't happy for long. Being a lifelong horsewoman, I was adamant about being with someone who was supportive and understanding about the horses. I was sure to make sure that the person I married also wanted a farm, and the lifestyle along with it. He exclaimed time and time again it was what he wanted...and so we got married, thinking we wanted the same things, but he lied. To himself and to me. He didn't want any part of that life, and wanted me to leave it behind too. He underestimated what it meant to me to be immersed in my passion, and that it was really the only life I knew, and wanted. I had worked my whole life for this life. I was not about to let it go.
We fought like crazy after the first year or two. It was horrible. People fight, but the fights got worse over time. I was never a name caller. I have always been a really positive person, always believed life was what you make it. Being with him for so long started to suck the life right out of me. I fell depressed. I was lost. Riding was the only thing that kept me going in the first few years, which of course made things worse.
He belittled me. He called me names. He told me I was stupid. He told me I would never ever ride at the level I wanted. He told me my dreams were ridiculous and unrealistic. I remember one day I asked him what he wanted in life, how he could find happiness and he asked me the same. When I told him I wanted to publish a book, he literally laughed in my face and told me that would "never happen in this life time". I had already been published writing a few articles for horse magazines at this point. It wasn't really a far fetched idea. It was that day I started to realize this person was never going to be my partner, nor did he believe in me whatsoever or care about my happiness.
I kept trying to make things work. I suggested therapy to help him find his happiness. He blamed me and the horses. It was all our fault. The work, the cost, the lifestlye. Meanwhile, I did all the work. I paid for the horses entirely myself. He knew what he married. It wasn't going to change. He constantly would pick apart my horses. Ask me why I keep riding this one or that one because they are crap and never going to win. I remember when I brought Indy home, and he was very body sore and lame and he said "should have just dropped him right off at the slaughter house. What a piece of shit that horse is. Why wouldn't you get one that is young is sound!". The sad thing is it never phased me. I was so used to this verbal abuse it just slid off like butter.
Things got worse after 3-4 years. He was away a lot with work (Military) and I was home alone taking care of the horses, farm, and working full time. It was lonely. He wouldn't keep contact consistently. He was unreliable. When he came home he would ignore me for days and then get totally shit face drunk. I wouldn't say he was an alcoholic but he was an absolute terrible drunk. He would get wasted and then it would start. Screaming at me. Following me around. I used to lock myself in the bedroom and crank the tv up as loud as possible to block out his abusive tirades. He would accuse me of cheating on him. Loving the horses more than him. Tell me I was a stupid cunt, useless. That I would never have that farm if it weren't for him. The list goes on and on. One night I was downstairs trying to get away from him. He grabbed me by the throat and pinned me against the wall and screamed in my face. I remember it vividly because I didn't even cry. I remember just thinking, "at least if you hurt me, I will have a reason to end this".
But I didn't. I just kept living my life. We are told to never give up on marriage. I wanted it to work. I believed he was depressed and needed help, but what I have learned is you can not help someone who does not want it. No matter how much you care about them or love them. Nothing you say or do will get the message across. They need to want it on their own. In our 5th year of marriage he was away for about 8 months. During this time, I realized I could manage a farm on my own, and how much happier I was alone. When he returned home, he planned a three week vacation back east with his family. I begged him to stay with me. I was exhausted from being alone in the worst winter ever. I wanted to work things out, spend some time together. I cried and cried and asked him to just please stay and spend some time with me but he just shrugged his shoulders and left. I will never forget that moment. It was pretty much around this time I lost all motivation to write, and I left this blog.
Not long after, my friend gave me a ticket to see Chris Hadfield (Canadian Astronaut) with her. He was doing a symposium on life in our town. He was so absolutely inspiring that I couldn't get his words out of mind. You only have one chance here. You only get one life, after that, nothing. Don't spend your time miserable. Don't spend your time, not doing what makes you happy. It was an epiphany for me. As awful as it is to say, I used to think I could stay with my husband because it was easier than starting over. I had everything else I ever wanted in life. The farm, the horses, my job, friends, etc. I could live without love. But I realized I couldn't live without doing what I truly deserved for myself. I deserved to be happy. We all do. I deserved to be with someone who loved me, respected me, and treated me the way I would treat them. No farm, no horses, nothing was worth living in the hell I was enduring. So when he returned from work again for the last time, I told him to pack his bags, and get the fuck out.
He begged me, cried, pleaded he would change. He tried everything. There was no way my mind was changing after this. I had decided I needed a new life, without him, no matter how scary it would be starting over. And it was scary, but it was also incredibly freeing. Things did not get better from there. It was the start of a massive downhill spiral in my life, but it was the journey I needed to go on, to get to here. We separated shortly after this, and although the paperwork is not quite finalized on our divorce, it's just a few weeks off. It will be nice to end that chapter in my life once and for all.
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